Forgiveness

Uncertainty is very hard to bare. Complicated grief is hard to bare.

Being shut out by your wife's family is very hard. 

When you loced your wife but found it hard to be with her was extra hard.

No need to resort to standing out on a bridge. 

 

What I did on my summer holidays

What I did on my summer holidays

For the past five months I have been a patient in Connoly Hospital Department of Psychiatry. I got up on a bridge and nearly jumped over, nurses, guards and ambulance men pulled me over back to safety. I spend some time in HDU - the high dependwncy unit there. I have been unsure of myself ever since. 

I wish myself and my wife had been closer before she died I really do. Now, I miss my daughter terribly. She's now living with my sister. Margaret has since died but I miss her. 

Should We Have A Baby?

I felt I could do nothing to help Catherine. She didn’t want to go to the brain tumour support group. I wanted to help her and help myself.

I was saddened that she wouldn’t let him help.

“I don’t want that for you,” she said.

I held her hand as she went under the radiation polo mint.

She couldn’t remember the holidays we’d been on yet could remember stanning ‘gainst by a castelated Moroccan roof garden wall.

“Should we have a baby?” she said. 

All Change - Oligodendro

 

"Brain tumour personality changes can sometimes occur in people who have been diagnosed. They can range from a lack of motivation to irritability and even, sadly, aggression. And, they can have multiple causes. But not everyone who is affected by a brain tumour will experience personality changes. Sadly, brain tumours can cause personality changes. For those who do, the symptoms and severity can differ from person to person. So, you may not have the same problems as someone with a similar diagnosis and treatment plan.

Our brains control every aspect of who we are, what we think and how we feel. It’s perhaps not surprising then, that a brain tumour or its treatment can cause changes to someone’s personality or behaviour. 

Brain tumour behaviour and personality changes can include irritability or aggression, confusion and forgetfulness, apathy (lack of interest and motivation, depression and flattening of emotion, loss of inhibitions or restraints and behaving in socially or culturally unacceptable ways, anxiety, mood swings or extreme moods, difficulty planning and organising, difficulty identifying emotions in yourself and others.

Simply knowing there’s a reason you or somebody you know is acting differently can be a huge relief for some people and help them begin to cope emotionally.

Brain tumour behaviour and personality changes can be caused by location of the tumour. As a brain tumour grows, it puts pressure on the healthy brain cells around it. This can affect the function, process or part of the body controlled by that area of the brain. 

Personality changes are most common when a tumour is located in the frontal lobe, which controls your personality and emotions. It also controls our ability to regulate our behaviour and restrain ourselves, so tumours that develop in the frontal lobe can cause behaviour that’s considered socially inappropriate.

Another possible reason for personality changes is swelling in the brain. This can be caused by the tumour itself or its treatment, including surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy.

Grade 1 and Grade 2often cause less swelling than grade 3 and 4, because they grow more slowly, giving the brain more time to adapt around the tumour. 

Swelling that occurs as a direct or indirect result of treatment usually passes gradually as you recover. Often personality changes will pass when the swelling does.

Confusion and mood swings can also be the result of medication or a combination of medications interacting. Some medications, like anti-depressants, can cause further personality changes. 

Personality changes can also simply be a natural reaction to receiving a brain tumour diagnosis or its impact on quality-of-life. This can have a huge effect on someone’s mood and behaviour. Similarly, coping with many of the side-effects of a brain tumour or its treatments can drastically alter someone’s mood.

Treatment and frequent journeys to medical appointments, can also dramatically lower energy levels. So, it’s common for people to become less active than before. Managing personality changes will depend on what’s causing them. Often it can help to talk to people who have experienced something similar and find out what helps them.

If swelling around the brain is causing the changes, steroids can be prescribed to help reduce the effect of the swelling. Some people are aware of their personality changes, but some people aren’t or they may not have full awareness. 

For example, someone may be aware they’re now less patient and have a shorter temper, but not be able to link the cause and the effect. Some people are aware they are behaving in an inappropriate manner, but will be unable to stop themselves.

 

This can be a difficult question to answer as it depends on what aspect of your tumour or treatment has caused the personality changes you are experiencing. 

The change could be permanent, especially if it’s caused by physical damage to the brain, for example, as a result of surgery or radiotherapy. In addition to this, if a person’s tumour continues to grow, personality changes may become more pronounced or other changes in the personality may begin to appear.

If the change is due to the emotional impact of living with a brain tumour. There are many strategies to help you and your loved ones cope better with personality changes, whether you’re experiencing them temporarily or permanently.

These include controlling your personality and emotions, and playing a vital role in problem solving and long-term memory. As a result, personality changes are most common in people whose tumour is in their frontal lobes. Our ability to regulate our behaviour and restrain ourselves is also controlled in the frontal lobes. So, if you have a tumour here, you may act in ways that are considered socially inappropriate. This can be very difficult for those around you to understand. It can also be difficult for you, if you are aware that you are doing it, and it can put a strain on personal relationships.

To help with confusion, it may be useful to minimise distractions.  For example, turn off background noise and avoid busy, noisy or crowded places that could be overwhelming for the person.

If your loved one is showing signs of aggression, try to create a calm environment or even remove your loved one from stressful situations. Try to remain calm and tell them what you’re doing. To help with aggression, pay attention to what triggers the person’s agitation and try to resolve the problem before it escalates. For example, there may be something in particular that’s bothering the person, such as they may be tired or need to use the bathroom. If your loved one is behaving inappropriately, try not to show embarrassment or disgust.  Instead, let them know that their behaviour isn’t appropriate, and give them consistent guidance on how to behave.  

To help your loved one with inappropriate behaviour, it may be useful to speak about this with other close friends and family. If they have an understanding of the reasons behind a person’s behaviour, then they’ll be able to support the person or ignore some comments. Try to avoid comparing the person now with the ‘person they were before’, which can be upsetting for both of you. You weren’t like this before. What’s gone wrong?

Try to recognise the change as part of the brain tumour, not the person you love. This can be very difficult if, for example, the person becomes irritable or snappy and it seems as though they’re taking everything out on you.

Take time to look after yourself. Caring for, or living with, someone whose personality has changed can be wearing - make sure you set time aside for yourself. For example, to do a hobby or something you enjoy. And ask for help if you need time to recharge your batteries."

When I read this now I wonder could I have been better, could I have behaved better towards Catherine? Was I selfish? Or did I do this best I could?

This House Smells of Poo

 

Starlight and Patience came in with Teddy from the garden. They walked in the door.

“Uh, this house smells of poo," said Starlight.

"With did you say?" Mimi said almost grabbing Starlight by the arm.

“This house smells of poo.”

“Well, get out then,” she said almost man-handling, woman-handling her out the door.

“Who’s house is this?” I said. “You can’t say that.”

“Why didn’t she leave when everyone once went?” I thought. 

Her look back said 'yes I can' but since she couldn't openly admit it she huffed and left through the open door, swishing her long woollen coat and strode purposefully across the uncut grass.

Teddy looked up at me. Titled his head to 45 degrees. Like, what was that? the look seemed to say. 

Clara Lara

 

Where were you? Why didn’t you come? Why couldn’t you come? What was the matter? Did you not like us anymore? Was it your disease? Were you unwilling to please?

On Sundays and holidays, I brought Sophie out, but you, her mother and my wife, never came along.

Clara Lara was a place to go away from the world of screens. Sophie played on the jungle gym. We swung across on the river rope, took a boat out to Pirate Island. We shuttled down the mountainside on the aqua shuttle. But where were you?

We made our fun without you. So, there. Where were you?

When I went for burgers, I had to keep an eye on Sophie while still in the queue. Where were you then? Wallowing.

You let me down. Let us down.

I thought I had a family, but it soon fell apart

I Don't Want Her Coming In

 Margaret tapped on desk. I looked up.

 

“I don’t want her coming,” she said.

 

“Who?” said B.

 

“Stacy.”

 

Sophie was standing right there.

 

“I don’t want her coming. I don’t want her coming. I don’t want her coming.”

 

That’s a bit harsh. She’s Sophie’s friend.

 

“I don’t care what you say. What business is it of yours anyway?” she said. “Don’t tell me how I say things. You’re loving this.”

 

“I certainly am not,” I said.

 

Later, to smooth things over I began to say in a light tone:

 

“Now, about this Stacy thing … “

 

She turned quickly, “What?” she said. Then walked away.